I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
