Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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