Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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