You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
