her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
