I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
