Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
