Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So squirting runs in the family.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
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