I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
