Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She's just so happy...and so naked.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
