My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
