Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
