So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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