How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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