So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
