Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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