The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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