You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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