If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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