Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
