If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
