so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
