the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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