Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
