all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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