blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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