I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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