You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
