Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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