I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
