Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
