I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
