nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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