I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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