Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
