remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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