I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
