Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
