The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
