Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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