why didn't you poke me back
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is Oprah even human
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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