Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't deserve a penis
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
