her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
