If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
