Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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