It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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