the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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