Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
