I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
