That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
