Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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