Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
