he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
